Motivation vs melancholy/failing to succeed.

Recently I've been feeling blue; the book I finished writing this year has gathered quite a few rejections - some of which are kind sure, generous even- but with no agent in sight, I started to doubt my self worth all over again.

Was it that I simply can't write? Was it my age? My name? (Yep, the Smithy thing always crops up!)

I came up with all kinds of reasons why I was 'failing', and as I did so, my energy began to dwindle - and so did my inspiration. I felt that old black dog snapping at my ankles. You know the one?

Now given this situation in the past, due to lack of self belief, and more often than not, a huge lack of financial stability, I would 'hang up my gloves' and go do something more boring instead; get a menial job to pay the bills, or take up a new hobby to fill the void. At one point, (in my twenties kids) I would smoke pot all day, or get way too drunk to block out my feelings of worthlessness (but that's a different story!) not today!

Today I choose motivation over melancholy; I make the first move because I know absolutely nothing will ever change if I give up - so miserable or not, I open my old laptop, press the button and begin to write. It might not be Tolkien, but it's magic medicine to me because I'm learning to accept whatever flows out of me everyday. To accept the imperfect words, to embrace my own voice and thoughts.

It's all good.

It's all worthwhile.

Sure I'd love to get my book published - see every child in town rushing to the library to rent a copy, their shining faces light up as I sign a copy and hand out free sweets, but ... one of the best things I've learnt about being a writer is that I do still love writing - even if no one is going to read it. And I learnt that by 'failing' to get an agent.

So, thanks for all the rejections you guys.

I mean it. You really helped me learn one of the most important things about myself. I don't just want to be a writer, I am a writer - agent or no agent.

Writing, for me, truly is a healing process. I won't stop - even if you won't pay to read my stuff. I'm a writer, that's good enough for me.

Try it for yourself.

Write something today about your hopes and dreams. See where it leads you. Let me know ✨